Exhausted
by molotovmullet
Summary: Soul doesn't know why, but his desperation is mounting. Desperation for a peaceful sleep. He's desperate to not rip Maka in half, and yet he needs to hold her, needs to have her. He needs to control himself before he destroys her. (SoMa) Suicide trigger warning.


He supposes he should have thought this out a little better. He turns over in the seat, somewhat uncomfortable. The car isn't that old - its catalytic converters are still perfectly functional, obviously, since it's been about 4 months since he started doing this and he's _still_ not dead.

It's kind of funny. In that time, he's been finding more and more ways to make himself comfortable for nights in the orange car he'd replaced his bike with at Maka's request. He's been trying to find ways to die more comfortably. There were pillows in the trunk - now, blankets for the chillier nights.

He doesn't know what he regrets more at this point - his life and failing to kill himself in this way, or not sleeping in Maka's arms every night. Honestly, sometimes he thinks himself a fool for doing this, times when he's out with his meister, holding hands on a cold autumn evening in the park, and her hair shines a gold semblative of and yet different from her usual ash blonde at the same time. Her eyes sparkle and light up, and he can see the brown and blue flecks in her irises when the sun's golden light _just_ manages to catch it. It's beautiful.

Other times, when the Oni is ripping his soul apart, scratching at the walls in his mind, he remembers why. When his brain stops functioning and he can't stop thinking about how worthless he is, how much of a disappointment, how unable he is to protect his meister, he remembers why. At the end of the day, even if he fell asleep with her arms around him, her head on his chest, he'd get back up, get into that _goddamn_ car and try to poison his blood again. He's the scum of the earth, he's _worthless_ and _stupid_ and _broken_ and he doesn't deserve the beautiful girl by his side. He doesn't deserve the satisfaction of knowing she loves him just as much as he loves her. Sometimes he convinces himself that she loves him enough for both of them. Enough to counter the deep-set hatred he harbours for himself.

Maka has noticed, of course. She's a bright girl, sharp and observant. Of course she'd notice the way they seem to run out of petrol that much faster, how the engine was never really _cold_ in the mornings, the winter after he started doing this. It's cold, but the hood is not _freezing_ like one would expect it to. Her soul perception knows something's not right, and when they resonate, he has to fight so hard to hide the darkness in his soul from her.

But she can see it anyway.

Soul doesn't know why, but his desperation is mounting. Desperation for a peaceful sleep. He's desperate to _not_ rip Maka in half, and yet he _needs_ to hold her, needs to _have_ her. He needs to control himself before he destroys her.

And that is why he's here.

It's evening, and Soul has managed to sneak a sock over to the car. They've just had dinner, and Soul wants to save the trouble of somehow managing to explain carrying a sock to wherever he's going if Maka wakes up while he's trying to sneak off to the car. She's gotten sharper lately, waking up in the middle of the night to check that Soul's still asleep with her - although he sneaks out after that point to steal a few hours risking his life and trying to return his self control to himself with the knowledge that he might just die tonight and he wants to be calm for it.

It'd be just the right trigger if she catches him with the sock - he's sure she's been waiting for the right time to confront him about his nightly escapades, the soft hum of the car engine in the shared garage of their apartment building. So he places the sock early, just after dinner, when Maka is washing the dishes at the sink in the kitchen, making the excuse to go down to the car to get something he left behind. He'd even made the effort to mention it at dinner, to make it sound less suspicious.

Besides, she knows he isn't stupid enough to try and pull this stunt while she's awake, so he's covered.

What he doesn't count on is actually falling asleep that night, after they make love and he feels _okay_ for once, and he decides he can't do this to Maka anymore when she whispers " _Don't leave me, Soul_ ". He'll get rid of the sock in the morning, spend more nights in his Meister's bed, wrap her up in his arms and keep her safe. And if he can't keep her safe how he is now, he's going to get stronger and stronger until nothing can ever hurt her again.

He nuzzles his face into Maka's neck, and she smiles against his hair, kisses his head. She senses the change in his soul, senses how much he _loves_ her.

" _I love you, Soul,_ " she whispers into the darkness.

A tear rolls down her cheek.

She finally has _her_ _Soul_ back.

\- _Don't you give up - I won't give up. -_

Something is ringing outside in the hall, and it's annoying the hell out of him. He's trying to _sleep_ dammit, and the bed is comfy and _Maka_ is comfy, and he doesn't want to leave - especially because it's colder than it usually is this morning than it should be at this time of the year. But he needs to make it up to her - for all those distant months, for all those times he left her alone without telling her why or what he was feeling. He has to be the one who gets up. She deserves the rest.

Suddenly, he's not so tired, the prospect of telling Maka everything, and making her understand, letting him know what's been going on with him, and fixing it - telling her he _loves_ her - catapaults him out of bed, shirtless as he is against the chill out in the hall. He skids to a stop in front of the phone.

"Hello?"

" _Soul._ "

He frowns. He recognises the voice as Kid's.

But why does he sound so serious?

The eager anticipation that pulses through his body with each heartbeat speeds up with a different kind of anticipation.

"What is it?" he enquires cautiously. He almost _knows_ he won't like the answer.

" _It's Maka_."

His heart freezes, and something sticks in his throat, and he can't breathe.

"M-Maka...? She's here, with me - sleeping. In bed-"

" _Soul, why was there a sock in your exhaust pipe?_ " Kid's voice is hard as steel, cold as ice. " _Maka was on the way to the market this morning... Black Star saw the accident from his house across the street, and he said it looked like she was dizzy, or like she'd fallen asleep at the wheel... That sock... why was it there?_ " Kid trails off, as though he can't believe it himself. " _Soul, she - You need to get over here. She's in a coma - she might not wake up-_ "

He doesn't register the rest of what Kid is saying as the phone receiver falls from his hands. A gutteral roar rips from his throat, his hands almost tearing the hair from his head.

 _A/N: I feel a little bad for how depressing that was, but I guess when you're depressed that's what happens. Leave a review maybe? (:_


End file.
